Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
What a year we’ve had this week.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”