Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

rebranding

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit