Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
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There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
bias laundering edition
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.