Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey