Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics