Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
You Might Also Like
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
no
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter