Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
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Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.