Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Ape together strong

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom