Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.