Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

I march to the beat of my own dumb

This checks out

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.