Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.