Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.