@Beesthegame

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

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@OfficeofSteve

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

@parsfarce

[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks

@SamDeLanche

Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

@reallifemommy3

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

@Average_Dad1

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

@Laser_Cat

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?