Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

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Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window


Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday


Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently


[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks


Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.


6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?


I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.


Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?