Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?