Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

This hospital has everything

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Me sliding into hell like

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”