Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos