man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Good boy 😂😂
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda