man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
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You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.