Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

technically true but not a great slogan

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

Me trying to walk in a dream

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

I hope this email finds you in a well

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin