man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
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I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.