Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

😭😭

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?