Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now