Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest