Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
pain
Need this in my life lol
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.