Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I don’t get marriage

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

23. the denim jacket

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

best first i’ve ever seen

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

seriously you guys

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

Ape together strong