Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you