MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
We will use anything but the metric system
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Beware…..
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.