MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.