Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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“I’m helping” 😅
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
This is why I hate group projects
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
#Caturday
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.