Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty