Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
wish me luck lads
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN