Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

o shit

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.