Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.