man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.


My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.


Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”


protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?


Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…


“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”


Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?


“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”

I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.