man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
LOOOOOOL
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I can’t be the only one 😂
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people