Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

you could not pay me to delete this app

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.