[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.