Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

oh you like architecture? name three walls

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Running from your problems is cardio .

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Oh yeah that’s it

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here