Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

These are my roll models.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.