Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.