Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
What.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I didn’t come here to be called names
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?