Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
learning about math 🧐 📝
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Hmm 🧐
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
