Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”