Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.