@OctopusCavemann

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

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@Skoogeth

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

@ScottLinnen

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

@TheTweetOfGod

Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a “God PLEASE bless America”, maybe you’d have better luck. #manners

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@dafloydsta

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?