her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.
Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a “God PLEASE bless America”, maybe you’d have better luck. #manners
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?