Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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“i miss shittin on people”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?