Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
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Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
The pen is writier than the sword.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS