Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)