Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
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Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My life coach traded me.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Tony Hawk, age 6
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr