director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
i love modern commerce
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that