Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

this post was so formative to me

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.