Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.