Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Morning all.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Can confirm.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
those birds must be on payroll
