MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
thoughts?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
this got me crying😭😭
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
🛁
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.