Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
You Might Also Like
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam