Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
adam and eve had first world problems
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing