Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words