Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
early stone age tool
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.