Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.