Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.