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According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
No. He’s not coming out to play
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I know this now 😂
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
This could’ve been an email.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”