Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess