Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”