Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Let’s Go
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Overindulged this afternoon.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.