I self medicate, therefore you live.
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.