Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
what it’s like dating me:
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life