Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

I had to Stop for this

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down