Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.