*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp