Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.