Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
airing out the snack pack
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.