Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Jogging
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
