Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out