Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Truth
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
How dude HOW?!
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”