Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online