Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.