“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]