“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st