@copymama

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

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@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@jbryantiii

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.

@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

@mommajessiec

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

@DrakeGatsby

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.