Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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…and now, a public service announcement from Keanu Reeves…
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
When the bell on your bus doesn’t work…
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.