Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

cause of death:
autopsy.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

me opening up to someone

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.