Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

this country is so goddamn polarized

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

True?

Important

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit